The Gusty Gusset

DID YOU know that 18 million new mobile phones are sold every year in the UK? And that a staggering 4.5 million of these meet an untimely demise.

According to research by SimplySwitch, the price comparison and switching service, typically in a year 855,000 handsets are flushed down the toilet, 810,000 are left in pubs, 315,000 in a taxi, 225,000 on a bus and 116,000 go through a spin cycle with the laundry. It also seems that dogs have a penchant for the shiny toys and managed to munch their way through a staggering 58,000 handsets.

The research also found that men were slightly more prone to losing or damaging their handsets than women. And that both sexes under the age of 34 were the most careless.

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DID YOU KNOW that out of the hundreds of thousands of calls received by emergency services in the UK every month, a large proportion are from time wasters . . . ?

Biarre, but non-emergency calls have included a ’severely traumatised’ woman who was convinced her world was going to end, not because she’d had a bad accident, but because she’d broken a finger nail. And another woman who, while driving on the M1, in her infinite wisdom decided to use her mobile to call 999 to find out the time.

And just in case you were smugly thinking it’s only stupid women who abuse the system, there’s plenty of stupid men out there too. Like the man who called 999 to complain that he couldn’t get any sleep due to birds singing on his roof. Or the man that rang to complain about two squirrels fighting in his garden. Quite what either of them expected the emergency services to do is another matter entirely.

One of the funniest though had to be an emergency call made to South Wales Police by a man who clearly didn’t have the bottle to stand up to his mother-in-law, and requested that they come and take her away because she’d been there for 18 days.

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DID YOU KNOW that Sherlock Holmes wasn’t actually a real person? Of course you did - didn’t you?

Well, if you didn’t then sadly you’re not alone since apparently a large proportion of the British population believe that fictitious figures such as Holmes existed in real life, yet believe real life historical figures such as Gandhi, Churchill and Florence Nightingale to be works of fiction.

Kind of ironic really given that Holme’s creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle spent the majority of his life trying to convince people that Holmes really was just fiction while simultaneously trying to get them to believe in spiritualism.

In the results of a survey undertaken by viewers of UKTV Gold, Robin Hood was another classic faux pas with some 51% of respondents believing him to have been 100% real as opposed to the stuff of myth and legend. Although some 47% of those questioned didn’t believe in the actual existence of Richard the Lionheart which is also ironic given that he’s about the only character in the Robin Hood story to have actually existed. Those history lessons were obviously well worth it.

It gets worse though since another survey, this time by Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment and the Royal Astronomical Society revealed that British primary children identified Winston Churchill as being the first man to walk on the moon. Which given that they also believed Churchill to be the nodding dog as seen in UK insurance commercials, it’s really quite a sad indication of the state of British science education.

Especially given that a third of the kids surveyed also thought Mars was a chocolate bar and didn’t even believe Earth to be a planet . . . oh dear . . .

UKTV Gold survey

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DID YOU KNOW that the dreaded comb-over, fold-over or whatever your pet name is for it, was actually patented? Which might go some way to explain such hideous artistic variations as the walnut whip and the gel over . . .

On December 23rd, 1975 Donald Smith and his father Frank Smith from Orlando, Florida filed patent application: #4022227 for a method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using only the hair on a person’s head. Unbelievably they were actually awarded the patent on May 10th, 1977.

The hair styling requires dividing a person’s hair into three sections and carefully folding one section over another. As demonstrated in the seriously disturbing images that accompanied the actual patent application.

Not entirely sure how they enforced their patent, but you can just imagine the “excuse me sir, but it appears your hairstyle isn’t actually licensed” which is probably a little more tactful than “do you know what you look like?” or “just who do you think you’re kidding?!”

The collective brains behind the comb-over were rewarded for their decidedly dodgy contribution to society with an Ig Nobel Award for Engineering in 2004.

And while we’re on the subject you might be interested to know that someone has actually made Comb-over: The Movie. No, really. Someone actually trailed the length and breadth of America in a humorous search for the ultimate comb-over . . .

Comb Over Patent #4022227
Combover: The Movie
Ig Nobel: Prizes awarded for improbable research

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IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FEELING DOWN try sparing a thought for your poor old pets . . .

An increasing number of British pets are being given Prozac to help them battle depression with tropical birds, such as parrots being the worst affected.

Romain Pizzi, a specialist in zoo and wildlife medicine at the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons, claims pets are affected when owners leave them alone for hours at a time. Although he claims Prozac is only prescribed in worst case scenarios.

It seems that birds aren’t the only pets to get depressed though - research suggests that as many 632,000 cats and dogs in the United kingdom alone are believed to be affected.

The Pet Samaritans

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EVER LEFT anything behind in a hotel room? Well, we’re all prone to random acts of forgetfulness, but some of the items left behind by guests at the hotel chain Travelodge make you wonder just how some folk manage to function . . .

Forgetting a coat, umbrella or spare pair of shoes is one thing, but leaving behind a 6ft by 6ft remote control helicopter, a pet cat or even a small child for that matter just beggars belief. Although all have been found along with countless artificial limbs, false teeth, glass eyes and even an urn full of ashes.

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January / February 2007

WELCOME TO the latest instalment of weird and wonderful tales from what is, without doubt, a very weird and wonderful world.

Recent “social interactions with strangeness” have included yet more propositions, although this time with jars of honey (things are looking up), a mad mog, a muddy man, oh and a heavy breather who hadn’t quite got his act together.

So, if you’re having a bad day or just in need of a laugh then take time out for a brief sojourn into the surrealism that is “J” world and beyond . . .

January / February’s contents include:

“J” Stories: Sojourn Into Surrealism

Regulars: A**e Driving • A**e Parking • Curios and Classifieds • Did You Know? • Environmentally Friendly • Intriguing Inventions • Madness in Mixed Media • Media Musings • Parking Practice • Peculiar Pastimes • Quotes and Quips • Weird and Wonderful World

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November 2006

WELCOME TO November’s edition - and yet another month that’s seen all manner of strange and bizarre ‘goings on’ in the weird world of “J” and beyond . . .

This month’s “social interactions with strangeness” as usual has been way too numerous to recount, but as ever they have continued to push the boundaries of strangeness . . . if indeed that can still be possible. Still, it’s not everyday that a strange man appears on your doorstep, fixes you an imbecilic grin and says, and I quote: “I’ve come to fix yer thingy!”

Or, that you feel like going to sleep after a stranger starts telling you a story through your letterbox . . .

December’s contents include:

“J” Stories: TV’s, Thingies and What’s-its

Regulars: A**e Driving • A**e Parking • Curios and Classifieds • Did You Know? • Environmentally Friendly • Intriguing Inventions • Madness in Mixed Media • Parking Practice • Parking Stories • Peculiar Pastimes • Quotes and Quips • Weird and Wonderful World

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October 2006

WELCOME TO October’s Halloween Special Edition - and a month that’s seen all manner of strange and bizarre ‘goings on’ in the weird world of “J” and beyond . . .

This month’s ‘social interactions’ haven’t strictly been interactions of a social nature as such . . . no, they’ve been a little more stranger than that and have included a rather alarming experience with a haunted letterbox, a haunted phone line and not one, but three separate incidents involving haunted toilets. Sadly, or maybe not depending on how you look at it, there isn’t enough space to document everything, but let’s just say, they redefined the notion of strange . . .

October’s contents include:

“J” Stories: The Haunted Letterbox

Regulars: A**e Parking • Curios and Classifieds • Curious Character • Did You Know? #1 • Did You Know? #2 • Environmentally Friendly • Facts and Figures • Intriguing Inventions • Madness in Mixed Media • Mog Stories • Parking Practice • Parking Stories • Peculiar Pastimes • Quotes and Quips • Strange Signage • Weird and Wonderful World • What in the World?

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August 2006

WELCOME TO August’s edition - a month that’s seen ones other half being propositioned on the doorstep by a grubby old man and a tin of salmon no less, although it does appear that yours truly was actually the intended target or victim (depending how you look at it); don’t ask! Still it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who experiences the strange doorstep phenomenon, otherwise known as the portal for peculiars . . .

Though having being on the receiving end of yet another visit by Idiots Inc., at least ‘life’s little peculiarities’ are interesting . . . whereas idiots well, idiots I really can do without . . .

August’s contents include:

“J” Stories: A Dimwit and a Delivery Van • Stick Waving, Wall Patting Stranger

Regulars: A**e Parking • Curios and Classifieds • Did You Know? • Environmentally Friendly • Facial Formations • Intriguing Inventions • Mog Stories • Mog Watch • Parking Stories • Peculiar Pastimes • Quotes and Quips • Strange Signage • Weird and Wonderful World • What in the World?

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