The Gusty Gusset

YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real life personal ads as found in an assortment of publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

HAVE VIAGRA Need woman. Any woman between 18 and 80.

HAVE 200 porn and adult mags - will exchange for lots of guns.

ALBINO HE-SHE seeks similar.

VIRGINITY. YES! Get in!

INCURABLE ROMANTIC seeks filthy whore.

NEMESIS WANTED: I’m 5′ 10″ into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honour and vengence (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

GOOD LOOKING athletic, Notting Hill based movie star, millionaire, seeks gullible stunner.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of oddball items for sale . . .

FOR SALE: One pair hardly used dentures, only 2 teeth ,issing. $100 ono.

FULL SIZE mattress - Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell $40.

USED TOILET paper for sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.

TURKEY FOR SALE. Partially eaten. Only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23 obo.

PONY FOR SALE - looks like small horse.

FOR SALE small bag of children. Very heavy can deliver.

FOR SALE Bonsai tree - very large. £80.

FOR SALE: Holiday photos: Choice of ski, sun or city break. Ideal for anecdote or alibi.

HITACHI WASHING machine DX250, under warranty until kill kill kill, kill them all February 2004, in perfect working order. £180 ono.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real life personal ads as found in an assortment of publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

OVER AGE under achiever, drinker, smoker, seeking similar.

IF I offered you the world just what exactly would you do for me?

MY LAST husband was a loser. If you’re not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria.

I’M OVERWEIGHT and shaped like a pumpkin and need someone to dress my bed sores.

WRITING THIS advert has given the biggest sense of accomplishment I’ve felt since successfully ironing my trousers.

I’D LIKE to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.

BLONDE, BLUE, gorgeous, seeks six figures and a Lexus. Age unimportant. No baldies.

SWM SEEKS 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me.

THREE TOED mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let’s make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

I LIKE eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of oddball items for sale . . .

BAG OF assorted boys. Many different shapes, sizes and colours. All good quality - no rubbish stuff.

ROCKING FINGER as new, hardly used.

HALF CAN of paint, unsure of colour - think is cacky.

SCREW FOR sale. Open to offers.

USED BODY bits - shop clearance.

PINK GIRLS 3 months old and available now.

BROKEN TABLE - have tried fixing it with cellotape but failed. Be of use to someone who can fix it better than me.

BOX OF used string. Assorted lengths. Some has been nibbled by rats.

WOBBLING BOTTOM in beige.

TABLE WITH only a few legs - needs good home.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of curious finds in the situations vacant section of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

VACANT MANAGER wanted, must have dementia certificate, all enquiries treat with the strictest confidence.

WIDOWER WITH school-age children requires person to assume general house keeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

CARPET MANAGER wanted for new store to supervise half cut carpets - must have suitable experience.

3 YEAR-OLD TEACHER needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

CHAIR REQUIRED 3 - 3.5 days per week for Calderdale and Huddersfield NHS Foundation Trust. Must be solid and reliable.

PREPARER OF FOOD wanted. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

PACKAGED SALES person wanted.

GIRL WANTED to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

MOTHER’S HELPER required - peasant working conditions.

FIFTY GIRLS wanted for stripping machine operators in factory.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of curious finds in the personal section of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

PHILATELY GETS you everywhere. Tall, ugly giant, 27, likes jigsaw puzzles, stamp collecting and eating digestive biscuits. Seeks F who runs an off licence.

I’M LONELY are you? Try me.

I LIKE jellybabies - do you? Are you my favourite colour?

GOT BISCUITS? Good, I like biscuits - please take me in.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real ads found in the classifieds of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

BAG OF boys 2-3yrs, various colours £15.

DOLPHINS GLOW in the dark never been opened therefore unused £2.50.

DESKTOP PC 15′ flat screen, burning, back rest on chair broke, need to know anything ring me £200.

OFF WHITE 2ft high, immac cond £5.

NOKIA 6300 in black with charger, sim and spare battery. Silver colour. Excellent condition £50.

BAG OF newborn - all good condition and quality, will separate £15.

POLICEMAN FANCY trousers truncheon with sounds vgc £5.

BABY DAN with fixings and expandabe walking leg accessories, £15.

FEATHER AND down old king - very nice £25.

BABY BUM seat - very useful to help £15.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

PHILIPS HEATED hostess, warming drawer move forces sale, bargain £40.

THREE ARM centre antique brass finish move forces sale £25 each.

SILVER LADIES still in box unused £20.

LEATHER BLUE baby, very soft cost £60 accept £10.

TODDLER GIRLS assorted sizes and colours. Large bag full £35. Can deliver.

FIFI BUBBLE car with detachable toddler. As new in box £10.

GOOD PART worn 3 nearly new, 1 new £20 each.

CAR SEAT from birth leftover. In vgc £8.

BLACK AND DECKER cordless hedge as new £10.

BISHOPS TUBS. Offers.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

DOG FOR sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

PADDED CELL inserts attaches underneath with elastic strap. VGC. Bright colours - square animals.

MIXING BOWL ideal for making lovely mash.

USED PORTA potti - reasonably clean. Used lots so know it works £15.

CHALLENGE £5.

HAND DRAWN sewing machine - bit rough but sort of works £10.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

LOVELY CONDITION with hardly used beech legs £120. Sorry no offers.

ONE MUG very lonely - missing other half broken in accident. Needs new home £1.50. Can deliver.

HORRIBLE PICTURE in dirty brown and yellow - some sort of shapes and scribbles £40.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

MAVERICK ABBEY with extras, very god condition £50 ono.

ROCKING HORSE fur - fully grown £15. Can deliver.

SWIMMING SEAT and sofa £5.

TODDLER GIRLS a bag full 12-18 and 18-24 £35. Can deliver.

HAVE SEVERAL very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

BAD ELECTRIC with accessories £18 ono.

LEFT HANDED Wilson good condition £30.

FANCY DRESS policeman aged 2 - 3 complete with trudgeon. Pet free home £5.

EIGHT PUPPIES from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

FULL LENGTH ghost £15.

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