The Gusty Gusset

YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real life personal ads as found in an assortment of publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

HAVE VIAGRA Need woman. Any woman between 18 and 80.

HAVE 200 porn and adult mags - will exchange for lots of guns.

ALBINO HE-SHE seeks similar.

VIRGINITY. YES! Get in!

INCURABLE ROMANTIC seeks filthy whore.

NEMESIS WANTED: I’m 5′ 10″ into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honour and vengence (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

GOOD LOOKING athletic, Notting Hill based movie star, millionaire, seeks gullible stunner.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real life personal ads as found in an assortment of publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

OVER AGE under achiever, drinker, smoker, seeking similar.

IF I offered you the world just what exactly would you do for me?

MY LAST husband was a loser. If you’re not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria.

I’M OVERWEIGHT and shaped like a pumpkin and need someone to dress my bed sores.

WRITING THIS advert has given the biggest sense of accomplishment I’ve felt since successfully ironing my trousers.

I’D LIKE to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.

BLONDE, BLUE, gorgeous, seeks six figures and a Lexus. Age unimportant. No baldies.

SWM SEEKS 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me.

THREE TOED mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let’s make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

I LIKE eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of curious finds in the personal section of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

PHILATELY GETS you everywhere. Tall, ugly giant, 27, likes jigsaw puzzles, stamp collecting and eating digestive biscuits. Seeks F who runs an off licence.

I’M LONELY are you? Try me.

I LIKE jellybabies - do you? Are you my favourite colour?

GOT BISCUITS? Good, I like biscuits - please take me in.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . some personal ads really do just beggar belief . . . contact details omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

MAN HONEST. Will take anything.

HAVE YOU got the type of lifestyle I want? Are you thin, attractive and kind? I’m not perfect but you’ll love me anyway and if you’re lucky I’ll share me with you.

MEET ME who am I? I have no clue? Every time I think I know who I . . .

HAVE YOU got what I want? Let me give you a chance - let me try you out

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