The Gusty Gusset

A MYNAH bird has been put in solitary confinement for being abusive to tourists . . .

The zoo in Changsha city took drastic action after a visitor complained about 8-year-old Mimi.

According to the Chongqing Evening News she called the tourist, a Mr Du “an ugly man” and also accused him of being stupid.

Mimi has since been placed in a darkened cage and subjected to recordings of polite conversation in a bid to improve her behaviour. Well, that and the small matter of not being allowed anything to eat unless she stops swearing.

It seems the harsh treatment has cured poor Mimi of her alleged naughtiness and she’s apparently now welcoming guests quite pleasantly . . . although the zoo is hoping that visitors won’t teach her how to swear again . . .

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A CAT survived for 19 days with a peanut butter jar stuck on its head . . .

A family in Tennessee had fed the feral cat for several years and had seen it on numerous occasions with the jar on its head and had tried in vain to catch it. Only after not seeing it for a week understandably they feared the worst.

Fortunately the found the once fat cat, now to weak to run away and to some oil to ease the jar f its head. They gave her water, treat her wounds and are happy to report she is now well and eating again.

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A SOCIAL club in Paignton, Devon has written to a pensioner - ordering him to go outside to break wind . . .

Seventy-seven-year-old Maurice Fox was told by Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club that other club members found his flatulence problem disgusting.

The old man admitted that he did have a bit of a problem but claimed it was “much better” after he’d switched from cider to drinking bitter.

George Shepherd, the club’s secretary lamed they had no choice after receiving so many complaints about Maurice “deliberately lifting himself up off the seat and letting fly.” Things apparently came to a head when three women turned up for a darts match. It seems the women weren’t all that impressed with his interpretation of a fanfare.

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POLICE RESPONDING to an incident in Nicholson, Georgia found that a woman had knocked her husband unconscious with a potato . . .

The couple had been arguing in the kitchen during the early hours of Thanksgiving morning. Both had been drinking. Apparently the man had allegedly called her a rude name and she had responded by throwing a potato at him. the potato had him square on the nose and knocked him out cold.

She claimed that she hadn’t meant to hit her husband and called the police as soon as he hit the deck. Her husband has decided not to press charges.

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A PARROT has been issued a £320 parking ticket . . .

Officials in Patras, Greece claim that the parrot’s perch is obstructing drivers because it partially blocks a metered parking bay.

Coco’s owner claims the parrot will die if it has to move back inside and is challenging the fine in court.

The town’s deputy mayor Spiros Demartinos is embarrassed that the parrot’s plight is attracting international attention, but it seems that neither side is prepared to back down and the case continues.

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A PENNSYLVANIAN woman who was facing jail for swearing at her toilet has been acquitted . . .

Thirty-one-year-old Dawn Herb was charged after an off duty police officer overheard her swear at an overflowing toilet.

He claimed he heard someone yell “are you f***ing retarded? Get me the f***ing mop!” and responded by telling them to “watch their mouth!” Somewhat unsurprisingly he was told to “f*** off.”

Back up was called and Ms Herb was charged after admitting to cursing at her toilet.

However, the judge ruled that although the language may have been offensive and vulgar to some she was in fact entitled to use it under the First Amendment and dismissed the case.

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HOW MANY MPs does it take to replace a lightbulb? It’s an old joke, but somewhat unbelievably it’s becoming a reality since MPs have just been issued with a guide on how to change lightbulbs in the House of Commons . . .

The new 10-point guide came from Liberal Democrat MP Nick Harvey in response to enquiry about lightbulb protocol from Tory MP David Davies.

The Taxpayers Alliance have criticised the guidelines as being a ridiculous waste of time, but it seems that David Hughes isn’t quite happy with them either since he feels there are procedures missing and intends to pursue it further.

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AN AMERICAN pensioner spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in his septic tank . . .

Seventy-seven-year-old Robert Schoff from Des Moines, Iowa had been trying to clear a blockage in his septic tank when he lost his balance.

It was over an hour before his wife discovered his legs kicking about in the air. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to haul him out of the hole, but he was eventually rescued by two police officers.

Mr Schoff said that he thought his life was over and “thank God my wife saw me. I don’t think I could have stood much more.”

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AN ENTIRE beach including sand, beach huts and sun loungers has been stolen . . .

Land locked Hungary has no beaches of its own so council officials had shipped in tonnes of sand to make the riverside at Mindszentas into a beach.

However when managers came to close up the leisure park for winter they discovered that 6,000 cubic metres of sand, along with playground rides, sun loungers and even the wooden huts and shops had all been stolen.

It’s thought border crossing crooks are to blame and police are investigating.

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AUSTRALIAN FIRE-FIGHTERS rescued a man who had been trapped up a chimney for over 10 hours at Christmas . . .

It’s thought the 21-year-old man was trying to break into the Gapview Hotel in Alice Springs when he got stuck.

Rescuers spent one-and-a-half-hours trying to free the man - in the end they had to remove the brick fireplace with jackhammers before they were ale to free him. By this time he had spent over 10 hours wedged there with his knees jammed tightly against his chest.

He was described as being like “a grub in a cocoon” by rescuers and was understandably feeling sore and very sorry for himself.

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