The Gusty Gusset

A RUSSIAN MAN returned from holiday to find that his entire two storey house had been stolen by his neighbour.

Yuri Konstantinov arrived home after visiting relatives to discover only the foundations remained of what used to be his home in the Astrakhan Region of Russia.

Police investigating the incident found that the neighbour had dismantled the entire house brick-by-brick before selling absolutely everything - including the kitchen sink. Apparently he was in need of building materials . . .

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EVER THOUGHT your cat might be trying to tell you something?

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A GERMAN man survived a 25ft fall down a lift shaft thanks to landing on a woman who had fallen down it the day before.

Twenty-seven-year-old Jens Wilhelms was unhurt after landing on the fifty-seven-year-old injured woman. Thankfully he was able to climb out of the lift shaft and alert emergency services.

The woman had been lying unconcious at the bottom of the shaft for quite some time and ironically although Wilhelms caused her additional injuries it’s likely that had he not fallen she would have remained undiscovered and died from internal bleeding.

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THIEVES STOLE a mile and a half of central reservation from a busy German motorway.

German police are looking for brazen thieves who managed to make off with over 20 tonnes of metal barrier strips from the A6 motorway in Vierheim near Frankfurt.

It’s thought they must have spent hours dismantling and removing 500 of the 4 metre strips that formed the central reservation. Yet despite the fact that they would have caused significant disruption, needed a large truck, lots of manpower and a lifting device in able to do it, police are amazed that no one actually noticed anything.

Repair work will cause long delays and is likely to cost more than 20 times the scrap value of what the thieves made away with.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real advertisements that have appeared in the classifieds of an assortment of British newspapers. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

BLIND ROMAN yellow and blue from harlequin fabric range, has curved designer bottom and daughter £7.

CREAM NEW Zealand, new cost £150, sell for £50. Buyer collects from me.

TOILET PINK cracked and slightly used - very nice £15.

MODERN LADIES for sale, big clear out need space. Bin full £39.99 for delivery.

BEIGE BOTTOM free to good home or £20 delivered.

LARGE BAG of men, size medium to large, assorted can deliver localy £39.99.

WORTH SEEING good value £20.

IDEAL ENGLISH leather bottom medium/wide fantastic condition with irons £120.

ATTENTION DIY’ERS handmade pricks, lots of uses, 200 for £130.

GROWN FOR beauty therapist, size 10-12 as new £9.99 deliver locally.

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A PARROT at an animal sanctuary has been teaching his fellow inmates the art of swearing . . .

If you’re easily offended or in possession of small children then you might want to avoid the bird house at Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary, Nuneaton.

Staff at the sanctuary have been careful to mind their language around the birds but it’s Barney’s influence that owner, a rather unfortunately named Geoff Grewcock, is more concerned about.

Barney, a seven-year-old African blue macaw has already told a mayoress, a vicar and two police officers to ‘f**k off’ as well as calling them ‘w*****s!’ As punishment he was placed in solitary confinement and taken to a language specialist, all to no avail. He’s now being subjected to classical music and Radio 4 in an attempt to re-educate him.

Apparently it’s unusual for parrots to copy each other but Barney has been teaching his fellow cage mates Sam and Charley, the not-so-subtle art of swearing. The terrible trio’s favourite words are ‘f**k off’, ‘b*****ks’ and ‘t**s!’

Mr Grewcock said the birds just sit in their cage swearing at each other and anyone who just happens to be passing-by. He claims it’s so loud they have to turn the television up to drown out the swearing. Given parrots can live until they’re 70 there’s potentially another 60 years of it to contend with . . .

Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary

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A FAMILY from Chehalis, Washington awoke to find a stranger asleep in one of their beds.

When they awoke the 18-year-old woman to find out just exactly who she was and more importantly why she was sleeping in their house, she claimed she’d been dropped off at the home by a friend called Jeremy who had apparently told her it was all right to sleep there.

That’s all very well, but none of the family actually knew anyone called Jeremy. The police were called and the woman was issued with a ticket for trespassing.

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HOW’S THIS for a quirky development project? It’s a visualisation of the planned Songjiang Hotel resort in China as designed by Bristol based company Atkins.

The futuristic looking project is going to be built in an abandoned water-filled quarry in the Sheshan Mountain area of Songjiang, approximately 22 miles from Shanghai, China.

The resort will encompass some 500,000 square metres of themed development and includes two underwater levels featuring public areas and guestrooms facing a 10 metre deep aquarium.

It will also house 400 bedrooms together with conference facilities, restaurants, cafes and sports facilities for up to 1,000 people.

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A MAN who was having a little difficulty with the concept of putting a hole in a wall for his satellite system thought he’d speed things up by using his .22 calibre pistol, only ended up shooting his wife instead.

Ronald Long of Deepwater, Missouri apparently made two attempts at blowing a hole in the wall with his gun - the first attempt failed, whereas the second took out a little more than he barganined for.

Unfortunately his wife Patsy, who just happened to be outside the house at the time, caught the bullet in her chest and although she was rushed to hospital, was pronounced dead on a arrival. Ronald could now be charged with manslaughter.

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ARMED POLICE stormed an old people’s home and arrested a mobility scooter riding pensioner who was allegedly terrorising residents.

Seventy-five year old Eugene Hide was arrested as he raced up and down the corridors of a Staffordshire old people’s home on his mobility scooter while wearing a cowboy hat and waving a toy gun in the air.

Staff had apparently called 999 complaining that he’d been using threatening behaviour and had evacuated all 25 residents while awaiting police arrival.

The armed response team arrived and Eugene was taken away for questioning, but later released without charge.

Eugene was described by friends as being extremely agitated because the rest home was being closed later in the year. He had previously been involved in a failed High Court bid to prevent the local council from shutting it.

The stress of the forthcoming closure had obviously pushed Eugene over the edge and no doubt what was described by other residents as being the heavy armed response of both the staff and the police wouldn’t have helped all that much either.

Eugene was said to have later apologised to the residents for what he described as “getting a bit excited”.

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