The Gusty Gusset

A BRITISH company has launched a new gizmo for those who are perhaps just a tad too lazy to lick their own ice cream . . .

Now, instead of enduring the misery of having to manually rotate and lick your ice cream - Kitchen Craft’s new motorised model will actually do all the work for you.

Apparently the ice cream is housed in an inner compartment that spins counter-clockwise when the device is switched on. The motorised cones come in a choice of four colours, are individually gift boxed . . . oh, and require two AA batteries.

All you have to do is put your tongue on the ice cream . . . and well, enjoy . . .

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A NAKED MAN had to be rescued after he immersed himself in the waste storage tank of a portable toilet . . .

Thirty-one-year-old Shannon Hunter, who police claim was under the influence of alcohol had, for reasons that no doubt made sense to him at the time, removed all his clothes and climbed into the storage tank at a former furniture store in Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

If that wasn’t quite bad enough, he then managed to get himself well and truly stuck inside the toilet and had to be rescued - after using his mobile phone to call 911.

Rescuers wearing bio-hazard suits spent over 25 minutes cutting away at the plastic toilet before he was finally freed. He then had to undergo a decontamination process before being evaluated and treat by paramedics for abrasions around the hips.

When asked why he felt the need to strip naked and climb into the waste tank he said that he’d needed to use the bathroom and had simply fallen down the toilet.

He was later charged with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation.

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AN ECUADORIAN man who for years posed as a dentist and used DIY tools on his patients has been arrested . . .

Forty-year-old Alvaro Perez practised his unique form of dentistry at a surgery in Sampierdarena, northern Italy. For years he used an assortment of DIY equipment including screwdrivers, pliers and a power drill on his poor, unsuspecting patients.

He was finally arrested when one patient called the police after almost passing out with the pain.

It seems that although Perez, who has now been charged with deception, had no dental qualifications what-so-ever, he had hundreds of clients on his books.

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AN INVESTIGATION is underway after hundreds of school dinners were spiked with drugs . . .

It seems that teenagers at a school in Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk, eastern Russia were served ecstasy in their soup and drinks at lunchtime.

Teachers described the school as having turned into “a lunatic asylum” as hundreds of pupils stripped off, climbed walls or lay on the floor laughing like imbeciles.

Doctors called in claimed the teenagers were showing signs of intoxication and prosecutors later found traces of ecstasy.

Experts established that the water contained traces of opiates and an investigation is currently underway to determine just how exactly it got there.

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THERE’S SOMETHING rather disturbing about spending time constructing tramps out of gingerbread, or even a gingerbread peep show for that matter . . .

Gingerbread house meisters the Brothers Grimm may very well have been more than just a tad on the well, grim side, but it’s fair to say that this probably surpasses even them . . . fancy a tour of a gingerbread ghetto anyone? Or maybe even a gingerbread serial killer’s house . . ? No? Can’t imagine why not

You can check out more ghoulish gingerness here . . .

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A TRAMP allegedly attacked an 84-year-old man with a box of Moon Pies . . .

In what appeared to be an unprovoked attack an elderly man claimed he was leaving the dollar store when he felt something repeatedly hitting him in the back. Turning around he discovered it was a homeless man assaulting him with the contents of a yellow plastic bag.

The 84-year-old went back into the store and was followed by Michael Farquer, of no fixed abode, who continued his assault. Staff called the police who determined that the weapon was in fact a dollar box of Moon Pies which were subsequently confiscated for evidence. Farquer was charged with battery and taken to Knox County Jail.

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A TEENAGER survived a shark attack in his own bedroom . . .

Sam Hawthorne, a 14-year-old from Dudley, West Midlands was assaulted when he sleepwalked into a dead shark that was hanging on his bedroom wall. The inanimate shark, a holiday souvenir, managed to embed itself in his cheek and somewhat unsurprisingly, awake him from his slumber.

His screaming awoke his mother who arrived to find the shark embedded in his face and blood gushing down his cheek. Although distressed and in pain Sam survived the souvenir shark attack and was left with just a small scar.

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THERE’S NOT an awful lot you can say about a site solely dedicated to the dastardly demise of Blu Tack cats . . . well, other than it really is rather amusing . . . in a sick, sad kind of way . . .

See more Blu Tack bizarreness here.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious ads that have appeared in the classifieds of assorted British newspapers. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

WARM HAND relaxing - unwanted gift £4.50.

POCKET SCRABBLE most letters there but lost lots - hours of fun £1.00. Can deliver.

BAG OF crap - use to someone but not me. Can collect.

SWIMMING TRUNKS slightly worn and rubberised with age but are nice and of interest to person who licks old swimming trunks. Can deliver.

SNAP ON head - always handy for whenever you need one - like when you have hangover £15.

FOLD AWAY walking bum - soft to firm. I deal for when ground is muddy. £10. Buyer must collect and clean.

TWO ROLLS of used cling film - very good quality £5.

MURDER FOR sale £2.50.

MANUAL ADULT big wheels. Used occasionally good condition £80.

WELL BREAD jack working £150.

BLUE BABY - offers - also pink and yellow babies.

YELLOW / BLUE baby high with out £40.

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