The Gusty Gusset

WHAT DO YOU do if you want to entertain a small child and give it some air? Well, you could always just put it on the roof of your car and, er, drive around a carpark with it . . .

A fifty-four-year-old grandmother was arrested in Monroe County, NY for driving around the carpark of a grocery store with her three-year-old granddaughter sat on the roof of her car.

Apparently the woman couldn’t quite understand what she’d done wrong. She claimed she’d never allow anything to hurt her granddaughter and that she’d been driving at ’snail speed’ while holding onto the child’s leg.

When questioned as to why she’d done such a stupid thing she claimed that it was to give the child some air and to let her have some fun. Oh, that’s all right then . . .

She now faces charges of child abuse.

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WHAT DO YOU do if you discover the sandwich you paid for hasn’t got the sauce on it you requested? Well, if you’re anything like Reginald Peterson of Jacksonville, Florida you’ll call the emergency services . . .

Not only did Peterson, 42 call emergency services about his missing sauce, he called them again to complain they weren’t arriving fast enough.

According to the workers at Subway, Peterson had become troublesome and had been yelling at them while they readied his order. When he left to call the police they locked the doors behind him.

When police arrived on the scene they tried to calm him down and explain the proper use of the 911 service. Peterson wouldn’t have it though and ended up being arrested on a charge of making false calls to emergency services.

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A NUDE INTRUDER was trapped by a police sting after he was chased out of a swimming pool and straight into a patch of nettles . . .

The nude perp and his pals had broken into a swimming pool in Dueren, Western Germany intent on having a midnight skinny-dip.

They were driven out of the pool when police officers arrived - all running in different directions in a bid to esacpe.

One of them jumped over a wall and landed straight in a patch of nettles. Officers were able to locate him largely thanks to his screaming.

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A TRUCK DRIVER ended up trailing mess along a highway after stopping for a toilet break . . .

The driver had stopped his truck at the side of the road in Washington State when nature called.

As he got out, the truck slid down the side of the embankment and his load - 49 tons of river sediment, spilled out over the road.

His employers will be charged for the clean up operation.

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IT’S AMAZING what you can do with a broken bin, a couple of plant pots, some paint and a bit of imagination . . .

This new, and as yet, unidentified species of bush beastie was spotted alive and well and raising smiles at the side of the road.

Someone obviously grew up watching good old Blue Peter . . . although sightings of sticky-back plastic are as yet unconfirmed.

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WHAT DO you do if you’ve just been arrested for failing to attend court on a charge of theft and being in possession of stolen goods?

Well, if you’re anything like Brian Marsden, 31, then you’ll immediately climb up onto the roof of the court building and start nicking the lead.

And in broad daylight too . . . only to be caught in the act by the very judge who had just heard his case at Bradford Magistrates’ Court.

Marsden, who had been living in a tent on the moors above Heptonstall, West Yorkshire, removed between six and seven feet of lead which had been used as a lightning conductor.

The magistrate was alerted to the situation after hearing a loud noise - looking out of a window he observed Marsden trying to straighten the lead by banging it on the pavement right outside the court.

Police were notified and he was later arrested while walking at the side of the road carrying what also turned out to be a box of stolen goods. He was subsequently jailed for 56 days by Bradford Magistrates Court.

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A COUPLE of seriously disturbing faces discovered in the stone fireplace of an old house . . .

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IF YOU thought aliens only visited earth with the intention of taking over the planet then you’d be wrong . . .

No, it seems the little green extraterrestrials are only interested in one thing . . . your underpants . . .

Featuring madcap rhyming text (think Dr Seuss on E numbers) and lots of pairs of underpants this amusing alien tale might be aimed at the little folk, but why should they have all the fun?

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A SCOTTISH scientist who used a mini-blow torch to destroy his weeds accidentally set fire to his neighbours’ garden instead . . .

Robert Gailey, 79 had been using a Weed Wand - a small handheld flaming device designed for burning weeds, to clear the driveway at his semi-detached home in Paisley, Scotland.

However he watched in horror as sparks from the gas-powered tool ignited his neighbours’ garden. And within a matter of seconds their manicured lawn, shrubs and evergreen trees were aflame.

Mr Gailey, who incidentally holds a first class degree in science from Glasgow University and therefore really should have known better, went to get a hose pipe, only by this time the entire garden was well and truly ablaze.

Mrs Gailey, on the otherhand was evidently more on the ball, and called the fire brigade.

Fortunately neither of the properties were damaged in the incident and Mr Gailey has agreed to foot the bill for the repairs . . .

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

DEVIL’S ROUTER 1020W £20 ono.

ANTIQUE DESK suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

CORDLESS CASE for corded drill £8 ono.

QUILTED HIGH chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

10 HORRIBLE books £10.

FOUR POSTER bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

PROFESSIONAL ANTHONY cost £99 accept £20.

MODULAR SOFAS. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

LARGE DOLLS with opening fronts exposing insides - very good condition £80.

THREE CANARIES of undermined sex.

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