The Gusty Gusset

POLICE CLOSED down a sweetie shop in Berlin after discovering the owner was selling candy laced with hallucinogenic mushrooms and marijuana . . .

The shop, in the trendy east Berlin district of Prenzlauer Berg, was found to contain 120 pieces of magic mushroom laced chocolate and countless cannabis lollipops.

Police also confiscated some 70 sachets of assorted drugs, around 20 marijuana joints, a selection of pills and several jars of drug laced honey.

The 23-year-old shop owner was arrested and taken into custody. As was an intoxicated customer who tried to buy a bag of magic mushrooms from an officer in the shop.

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A POLISH gherkin burglar was found choking on his ill-gotten gains . . .

Piotr Gorski had stolen jars of assorted home-made pickles only to be discovered by police just two streets away from the crime scene, choking on a gherkin.

Officers had to hit him on the back twice to dislodge the vegetable before they were able to arrest him.

Gorski claimed he had been unable to resist having a quick snack . . .

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A DEAD BODY sent for an autopsy by Japanese police turned out to be a mannequin . . .

Police found what was believed to be a body inside a sleeping bag at the seaside resort of Izu City, Japan. Investigators felt the body from outside the bag, but never actually looked inside before sending it for an autopsy.

Upon opening the blag the medical examiner discovered a life-sized doll wearing a brown wig, a blouse and skirt.

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IF YOU’RE someone that’s able to keep plants and green things alive and well in the real world then this might be just the kind of plant related challenge you need . . .

For those of us that struggle with the term ‘living plants’ then this is probably best avoided, although it does provide amusing alternative ways of killing them.

Especially since excuses like ‘death by tomato’ or ‘death by watermelon’ are infinitely more interesting than the more traditional ‘it obviously didn’t like me’ excuse.

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A MAN was arrested after attacking someone with a chair . . .

According to police in Coralville, Iowa an unnamed man was arrested after allegedly responding to being told to get a job by picking up a folding chair and assaulting another man with it.

The suspect, who had been drinking beer with friends, is claimed to have struck the victim three times. He was subsequently arrested and was in custody with a $2,000 bond.

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A SUSPECTED truck thief got his comeuppance after trying to evade capture by hiding out in a portable toilet . . .

According to Tampa police the 22-year-old unnamed man broke into two trucks in a car park. However the owner of the second truck tried to stop him, it broke into a fight and he ended up chasing the suspect to a nearby construction site. The suspect then made the mistake of trying to hide in a Port-O-Let, only to be found by the victim who turned the loo over and covered him in what was described as ‘large amounts of human waste.’

The man was charged with auto burglary and being in possession of burglary tools.

Ah, if only all thieves got their comeuppance like this . . . .

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CALIFORNIAN OFFICERS arrested a man who broke into a home and assaulted the occupants with a sausage and some spices . . .

Twenty-two-year-old Antonio Vasquez broke into the home of two farm workers, stole their money, rubbed one of the men with spices and hit the other with a sausage before escaping.

He was later found by police hiding in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks. Police knew just who to arrest thanks to Vasquez having left his wallet containing his ID at the scene of the crime.

The farm workers claimed that Vasquez had awoken them in the morning by rubbing spices into one of them and assaulting the other with a 8 inch sausage. The stolen money was subsequently recovered however the assault weapon had unfortunately been eaten by a dog.

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A MAN ADDICTED to masturbating and flashing at coffee makers has thanked police for catching him by saying he needed a helping hand . . .

The 20-year-old man from Washington State said he was addicted to fondling himself at drive-thru espresso stands and exposing himself to baristas - those skilled in the art of coffee making.

Since February at least seven baristas have reported to police that a man exposed himself while visiting their coffee stands.

When police finally caught up with him he said ‘I need to stop and I can’t do it alone’ and ‘once you start it’s hard to stop!’

He also claimed that his addiction to exposing himself at coffee stands developed from an addiction to pornography . . .

He has since been charged with three counts of indecent exposure.

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GERMAN POLICE have confiscated what’s believed to be the world’s fastest office chair . . .

Two teenagers from Gross-Zimmern, had pimped the seat by strapping on a lawnmower engine, cycle brakes and a metal frame. They claimed to have tested the contraption by only riding it a few metres, but witnesses reported seeing it whizzing about the streets.

The two 17-year-olds were subsequently arrested and officers are considering charging them with a number of offences including riding a vehicle without insurance, licenses or registration.

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A GIGANTIC inflatable dog poo left a trail of devastation in its wake after breaking free from its moorings at an outdoor art exhibition . . .

The house-sized fake faeces entitled Complex Shit was a piece of work by American artist Paul McCarthy and was on display at Zentrum Paul Klee in Bern, Switzerland.

The crap art had been fitted with a safety system designed to deflate should the weather turn bad, however this failed to work.

Instead the flying poo travelled over 200 metres, taking out power lines and breaking a greenhouse window before crash landing in the grounds of a children’s home.

The errant poo has since been returned to the museum where it’s scheduled to stay on display until October the 26th.

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