The Gusty Gusset

A PENSIONER has been order to stop mowing the grass outside his home on account of it making the road look too tidy . . .

Brian Hubbard has regularly cut the patch of grass outside his home in Hereford since he moved in four years ago. He also picks up litter, rakes up leaves and even cleans up grass cuttings left by council contractors.

Unfortunately it seems that his local council aren’t too happy with his attempts at trying to keep the place tidy and have sent him a letter telling him to stop.

The letter accuses him of ‘encroaching’ on council land and that he must ‘return the area to its original state within 28 days’ or the work will be carried out at his expense.

Quite how cutting your own grass, raking leaves and removing cuttings that contractors are obviously too lazy to remove is ‘encroaching’ on council land, but there you go.

The council should consider themselves lucky he’s not billing them for clearing up the mess left by their contractors.

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A DRUNKEN horse fell into a swimming pool after getting drunk on fermenting apples . . .

The horse called Fat Boy, escaped from its stable in Newquay, Cornwall and broke into a nearby garden. It then proceeded to binge on hundreds of rotting apples before stumbling across the garden, losing its footing and falling head first into the swimming pool.

Sarah Penhaligon awoke after hearing a huge splash and discovered the pony in the shallow end of her pool. And unaware that the pony was in fact drunk she fed him more apples to try and keep him calm before rescuers arrived.

It took over two hours and the aid of several harnesses before the plastered pony was finally retrieved from the pool.

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A MINI HENGE formed in some of that contemporary concrete stuff and sited somewhere in the middle of a housing estate, on the outskirts of Liverpool, England . . .

Well, okay it might have started out as an uninspiring selection of concrete bollards, but who cares? All that’s missing are the dancing dwarves and er, Spinal Tap . . .

Or maybe even some of those garden gnomes would do . . . just to complete the picture you understand . . .

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A WOMAN dressed as a cow went on a drunken rampage around the streets of Ohio . . .

Michelle Allen, 32 had been hired to wear the cow outfit to advertise a local ‘haunted trail’ theme park. Only she left the job to go on a two day drinking binge and ended up chasing kids around the theme park, urinating in a neighbour’s front garden and asking people to suck her udders.

She was subsequently arrested and since she wasn’t actually wearing anything underneath the costume she was forced to wear it in the cell and at her first court appearance.

She pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to 30 days in jail in what the judge described as being ‘for her own good.’

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AN UNLUCKY CYCLIST probably wished he’d stayed in bed after he was knocked down by a car and a train on the same day . . .

Robert Evans, 46, from Boulder, Colorado was first taken to hospital after being knocked off his bike in a hit-and-run incident. Fortunately he wasn’t badly hurt and was released later the same day.

On his way back into town he was hit by a train while walking his bike across a railway bridge. He was found in a nearby creek, rescued and then taken back to hospital. Thankfully once again his injuries weren’t life-threatening.

Then, and as if things couldn’t get any worse, he’s since learnt he faces a police fine for trespassing on the rail bridge which isn’t open to pedestrians.

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POLICE CALLED to investigate a strange smell in a block of flats discovered something strange wedged in a ventilation shaft . . .

Residents in the tower block in Prokuplje, southern Serbia called police in to investigate what was described as a ‘noxious smell’. When officers arrived they ordered the entire building to be evacuated because of fears that the fumes could be lethal.

A specialist hazardous materials team was dispatched and the source of the smell was discovered in the ventilation shaft on the twelfth floor.

The offending article was subsequently removed and sent away for analysis where it was later discovered to be the putrefying remains of a large horse.

Although quite how anyone managed to take a horse up to the twelfth floor, let alone why they would want to do it in the first place is still a matter of conjecture.

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A MAN FIRED his gun and chased his neighbour with a machete following a disagreement over watering some plants . . .

A 62-year-old man in Pasco County, Florida had an argument with his neighbour. Only unable to resolve their issues a second argument ensued following which he returned from his house with a 38-calibre pistol and a machete.

The man threatened to shoot his neighbour if he didn’t stop arguing with him. Obviously the neighbour didn’t quite take him seriously well, until a shot was fired into the ground and he was chased back into his home by the machete brandishing madman.

The 62-year-old was arrested and charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and discharging a firearm in public. He was being held without bail.

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ANOTHER SELECTION of ‘gurning’ stone faces found in random locations around the Yorkshire countryside . . .

Although ‘hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil’ were a little closer to home . . .

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A STRANGER leaves his mark in the form of ‘underside art’ in a small Nebraska town . . .

Valentine, with it’s population of around 2,500 people, is at the mercy of a lewd ‘arsist’ who decorates their town with his greasy undersides.

The vandal, nicknamed the ‘Butt Bandit’ coats his bottom bits with petroleum jelly and other assorted lubricants before leaving his artistic impression on the town’s windows, under the cover of darkness.

The Butt Bandit doesn’t seem to have a particular preference for a certain type of window as businesses and churches have all been targeted. Although tourists and staff alike got quite a shock when they discovered every single window of a local hotel bore what was described as ‘perfectly formed’ body prints.

Attorney Eric Scott was quoted as saying that it wasn’t normal behaviour for Valentine and that it wasn’t funny or something that people wanted to be exposed to . . .

All that’s known about the ‘arsist’ is that he’s about 6ft 3 tall and sports a distinctly 80s haircut. Oh, and given that the butt art ceases during the wintertime he obviously doesn’t like getting his bits cold.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

DOG FOR sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

PADDED CELL inserts attaches underneath with elastic strap. VGC. Bright colours - square animals.

MIXING BOWL ideal for making lovely mash.

USED PORTA potti - reasonably clean. Used lots so know it works £15.

CHALLENGE £5.

HAND DRAWN sewing machine - bit rough but sort of works £10.

GREAT DAMES for sale.

LOVELY CONDITION with hardly used beech legs £120. Sorry no offers.

ONE MUG very lonely - missing other half broken in accident. Needs new home £1.50. Can deliver.

HORRIBLE PICTURE in dirty brown and yellow - some sort of shapes and scribbles £40.

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