The Gusty Gusset

A WOMAN survived a 100ft fall from her ninth floor flat by landing in a giant vat of grapes . . .

The 29-year-old Ukrainian woman fell from the balcony of her apartment in Uzhgorod straight into the vat of grape harvested from the vineyard below.

Police arrived to find her amongst the grapes in what was described as being a ‘dazed and confused’ state. After being examined by a doctor it was determined that other than the understandable shock, she was absolutely fine.

The winemakers were also said to be happy as the woman had saved them an awful lot of work by crushing the grapes in the process.

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A CONTEMPORARY art exhibit in a Belgian museum is causing a right old stink . . .

The installation entitled “Spring is on its way” by Belgian conceptual artist Jan Fabre at the Antwerp museum of contemporary art (MuHKA), consists of onions and potatoes hung from the ceiling in condoms. Unsurprisingly the vegetables are rotting.

A spokesperson for the museum claimed that the work was about transformation and metamorphous.

Museum workers, security guards, several visitors and the local media have all complained about the smell of the decomposing vegetables.

Some shoots have burst through the condoms and other condoms have crashed to the museum floor under the weight of the rotting vegetables.

The museum however has no plans to remove Fabre’s installation which runs until Spring 2009, but is removing any vegetables that fall down.

It seems Fabre has a penchant for playing with food in public places because 8 years ago it seems he had the urge to clad some pillars at a university with ham. Well, until people started to complain about the smell that is.

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DID YOU know that 18 million new mobile phones are sold every year in the UK? And that a staggering 4.5 million of these meet an untimely demise.

According to research by SimplySwitch, the price comparison and switching service, typically in a year 855,000 handsets are flushed down the toilet, 810,000 are left in pubs, 315,000 in a taxi, 225,000 on a bus and 116,000 go through a spin cycle with the laundry. It also seems that dogs have a penchant for the shiny toys and managed to munch their way through a staggering 58,000 handsets.

The research also found that men were slightly more prone to losing or damaging their handsets than women. And that both sexes under the age of 34 were the most careless.

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A NAKED MAN was arrested on suspicion of burglary after getting stuck in the chimney of a Tesco store he was allegedly trying to steal from . . .

Greater Manchester police responded to an alert from the Tesco store in the Pemberton area of Wigan.

Arriving at the scene they found a 22-year-old man trapped inside the chimney breast. It was only after he’d been freed by firefighters that it was discovered he was in fact naked. He was subsequently taken to hospital, where he was later discharged and is ow in police custody.

As to why he was naked well, it was thought that some of his clothes had come off as a result of struggling to get out of the chimney . . . so, no doubt he thought what the hell - I might as well take the rest of then?

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THERE’S NO DOUBT that nature produces some pretty bizarre stuff but this iceberg in the shape of a penis has to be amongst the funniest . . .

Bobbing about quite merrily in the Bransfield Strait near Antarctica this interesting shaped iceberg was snapped by Andy Rouse. And yes, just in case you’re wondering . . . one Mr A Rouse is in fact really quite genuine . . .

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A FRENCHMAN caused a train to be delayed by two hours after he got his arm stuck down a toilet and had to be rescued by firefighters . . .

The 26-year-old had apparently been trying to retrieve his mobile phone when his arm beame trapped up to the shoulder by the powerful suction of the flushing system on board the high speed TGV train from Paris to La Rochelle.

Firefighters took over an hour to free the man, before lifting him off the train on a stretcher with his arm still attached to the offending toilet.

Once on the platform they managed to cut him free and other than suffering bruising and being described as “smelling a bit” he was deemed to have no other injuries. Other than the psychological trauma of course . . . ah, the power of shiny gadgets . . .

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SABOTAGE IS being blamed for one of Sydney’s best-known pubs serving poo flavoured ice cream to its guests . . .

The Coogee Bay Hotel welcomed an investigation by police and health authorities in order to determine just how human excrement could have found its way into the dessert.

A woman became violently ill after eating a complimentary bowl of ice cream while at function at the hotel. Staff had offered the dessert as a placatory gesture following an argument with her family about seating at the grand final lunch.

She claimed that she thought something was wrong when she brought a spoonful to her lips and “the stench went up her nostrils”. She promptly retched and spat the substance out into a napkin. Although quite why she even went as far as putting it in her mouth is anyone’s guess.

Independent testing revealed that the ice cream did in fact contained “properties similar to human excreta” and the hotel has stopped serving the dessert until the matter had been resolved.

Officials agreed that a “hostile act” must have taken place and that a full investigation would start once the family had lodged a formal complaint. The general manager of the hotel however wasn’t convinced and accused the family of trying to blackmail the hotel into paying them $1 million in hush money. Claiming the family wouldn’t allow the hotel any samples for their own independent testing.

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POLICE IN BOULDER, Colorado issued fines to about a dozen people for running naked through the streets while wearing pumpkins on their heads . . .

The event known as the Naked Pumpkin Run has been held for 10 years. Only this year it drew a huge crowd and caused concern from the police.

The fines for indecent exposure were issued as dozens of other revellers (albeit wearing costumes) chanted at police to ‘let go of the streakers’ and ‘find real criminals’.

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HOW MANY WORKERS does it take to fix a toilet? Well, it all depends just whose payroll you’re on . . .

In Bangladesh it apparently takes 122 workers to do the job. Granted they might never have actually had anything to do with said toilet, but they were certainly paid for it.

Neither did the 100 workers who were paid for repairing electricity lines without actually repairing any lines. Such was the extent of corruption discovered by Colonel Hanif Iqbal, director general of the Anti-Corruption Commission in Bangladesh.

The Commission discovered that more than 335 million taka (approx £360 million) had been misappropriated between 2000 and 2007. During this time Bangladesh had held the not-so-prestigious title of being the world’s number one corrupt nation for 5 years in a row until 2005.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of curious classifieds from assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

PHILIPS HEATED hostess, warming drawer move forces sale, bargain £40.

THREE ARM centre antique brass finish move forces sale £25 each.

SILVER LADIES still in box unused £20.

LEATHER BLUE baby, very soft cost £60 accept £10.

TODDLER GIRLS assorted sizes and colours. Large bag full £35. Can deliver.

FIFI BUBBLE car with detachable toddler. As new in box £10.

GOOD PART worn 3 nearly new, 1 new £20 each.

CAR SEAT from birth leftover. In vgc £8.

BLACK AND DECKER cordless hedge as new £10.

BISHOPS TUBS. Offers.

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