The Gusty Gusset

A DASCHUND with a 10-a-day cigarette habit has been knocked down and killed, somewhat ironically while on its way to the tobacconists . . .

According to the dog’s owner, Wolfgang Treirler, 24-year-old General Edi munched his way through half a packet of cigarettes every day since he was a puppy.

Treirler claimed that Edi’s previous owner had abandoned him, so he had taken him in and that was when they discovered he was in the habit of eating cigarettes. It seems he ate the tobacco and the paper, then chews on the filter a while before spitting it out. On average he used to eat 10 cigarettes a day, but apparently never had a problem with his teeth.

A local vet claimed that nicotine normally leads to poisoning in dogs, but in this particular instance the dog had obviously become addicted which in turn increased its level of tolerance.

Unfortunately Edi died after being hit by a car during a walk to his favourite tobacconist’s shop in Graz, Austria.

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A FLYBE pilot flew 80 passengers from Cardiff to Paris before announcing “we have to turn back - I’m not qualified to land.”

The pilot apparently took the decision after thick fog reduced visibility to 700 metres at Charles de Gaulle airport and told passengers he was not trained to land in such conditions. He then turned the aircraft around and flew back to Cardiff.

The understandably disappointed passengers were subsequently bussed to Exeter and Birmingham in order to catch alternate flights to Paris.

Flybe claimed their pilot had over 30 years of experience, but had not yet completed low visibility training to land.

The Civil Aviation Authority have also claimed the pilot acted responsibly. If he had landed in Paris under those conditions he would have been prosecuted.

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AN INCOMPETENT DIY’er managed to set his house on fire after trying to melt ice on his porch with a blowtorch . . .

According to the fire chief, the man had been using a blow torch hooked up to a 20lb propane cylinder when he got too close to the building’s wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding.

The fire quickly spread into the uninsulated exterior wall and then into the second and third-floor apartments. It took 25 firefighters to put out the blaze, gutted the bedrooms in the upstairs units and caused damage to the structure and wiring.

Fortunately no one was hurt in the incident and the homeowner will not be prosecuted, however he does face a bill for in excess of £15,000 worth of damage.

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A WOMAN in Germany has had her car banned from the road on account of it being too untidy . . .

According to police, the Vauxhall Astra was so full of junk, old clothes, magazines and bits of old furniture that the woman’s face was pressed up against the windscreen as she dove.

The unnamed driver was subsequently issued with a ban from taking it on the road until it has passed a tidiness test.

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A CHINESE MAN had to be rescued by firefighters after he was blown into a tree by a strong gust of wind . . .

The 20-year-old man had been trying to repair the roof on his home in Beijing’s Shijingshan district, when he had been caught by the wind.

The man was believed to have considered himself lucky that he was only blown up into a tree.

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A DESPERATE shopper who found himself caught short whilst visiting a bathroom shop, managed to get himself banned after using a display toilet . . .

Heinz Kessel, 39, ran inside the store in Bochum, Germany, and relieved himself on a lavatory, before realising it wasn’t actually connected to the drains.

The indiscretion only became apparent after a shop assistant noticed a terrible smell in the store. The manager was called and the pair of them searched the store for the source of the smell. It was then that a somewhat red-faced Kessel was discovered whilst trying to flush his deposit away.

He apologised profusely, but since the smell had caused most of the shoppers to leave, the manager felt he had no choice other than to close the store while the incident was dealt with.

The unfortunate Kessel was subsequently issued with the cleaning bill and a lifetime ban from the store.

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IN ONE OF those “you couldn’t make it up” kind of moments, a British design company has launched a range of pre-chewed pencils . . .

The pencils, called somewhat unoriginally, pre-chewed pencils, are intended to help children concentrate at school. The company - Concentrate claim that because the pencils look like they’ve already been chewed, it will be less likely that children will want to put them in their mouths.

Concentrate apparently specialises in products that help school children stay focused in class. Although it’s not clear whether they’ve considered the “ewwwww!” factor and subsequent trauma that may arise from a small child being made to use a pre-chewed pencil . . .

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EVERY TOWN has it’s very own Crazy Cat Lady - or so the packaging would have us believe, but hey don’t take my word for it there’s even a quiz so you can test yourself, just in case you were wondering. And no, yours truly didn’t fall into the “Am I Crazy?” category . . .

Erm, the crazy things that money can buy . . . Crazy Cat Lady apparently lives in a tiny house full of feral furry felines, has a wild look in her eye and knows each and every one of her cats by the roughness of their tongues . . . allegedly . . .

So, if you’ve ever wondered if you, or someone else was borderline cat crazy, then you can always take the test here.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of curious finds in the personal section of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

PHILATELY GETS you everywhere. Tall, ugly giant, 27, likes jigsaw puzzles, stamp collecting and eating digestive biscuits. Seeks F who runs an off licence.

I’M LONELY are you? Try me.

I LIKE jellybabies - do you? Are you my favourite colour?

GOT BISCUITS? Good, I like biscuits - please take me in.

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