The Gusty Gusset

GERMAN FIREMAN have been branded the worst in the world after managing to raze their fire station to the ground . . . for the second time . . .

The blaze in Syke, which is believed to have caused three million pounds worth of damage, saw the loss of the fire station and all six fire engines which just happened to be inside at the time. It took 250 fireman from nearby towns to finally bring the blaze under control.

Investigators believe the fire fighters caused the blaze themselves during a routine training exercise. This was the second time the brigade had lost it’s station and engines in a fire after a similar incident required the station to be rebuilt in 1994.

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A SIX-YEAR-OLD boy from Richmond, Virginia, who missed his school bus, stole his parent’s car in order to drive to school . . .

The boy, who hasn’t been identified, missed the regular school bus, so decided to take the keys to his parent’s car and drive it to school, while his mother was still sleeping.

Unfortunately he ran off the road several times before finally hitting an embankment and being brought to a sudden stop by a telegraph pole.

According to police, the boy had apparently been very keen to get to school as he’d not wanted to miss breakfast or PE.

Fortunately the child, who wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, only suffered minor injuries and finally was able to go to school after being checked out at hospital. His parents have been subsequently charged with child endangerment.

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IT’S FAIR to say that hospital staff probably see some strange sights and have to deal with some pretty strange things, but it can’t be everyday they have to remove cans of hairspray from a person’s rectum . . .

Mirela Gradinaru, a 37-year-old Romanian woman, turned up at a clinic in Arad, in what can only be described as “abject agony” and begging doctors to help her.

She was subsequently x-rayed and the problem identified as being a rather large can of hairspray, which for reasons she was understandably reluctant to explain, had been inserted up her rectum.

Much to her undoubted relief, the item was successfully removed, however she refused to explain just exactly how or why the object had got there in the first place.

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AN ITALIAN MAN who was released early from jail on an electronic tag has begged to go back into jail because he cannot stand living with his parents . . .

Guido Beneventi, a 30-year-old convicted thief, had his sentenced reduced on condition that he stayed with his parents, at their home in Palermo.

Guido complained that his parents repeatedly had a go at him about his life of crime, ordered him around and treat him like a child - by telling him to clean his room. A string of rows followed resulting in him breaking his curfew in order to flee to the police station and demand to be arrested.

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LOOKING FOR some unusual luggage and having a bit of sport with airport security?

A company has launched a range of suitcases featuring embossed images of either a gun, knife or an axe.

The cases, sold online for £98, are described as bringing “a touch of black humour and novelty to an object which is usually rather boring”.

Mhmmm, novelty cases are one thing, but packing your worldly contents into one of these and expecting it to arrive at its destination, is quite another thing entirely. Let’s face it there’s enough of a problem with that kind of thing as it is, without having an unamused airport security official making it any worse.

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YOU REALLY COULDN’T make it up, but it now seems an East Sussex council is set to ban any street name that sounds well, remotely rude . . . like Cracknuts Lane or Hoare Road . . .

It seems Lewes District Council has drawn up guidelines for new street names so as to avoid double entendres and unflattering place names. The council’s cabinet is expected to agree its first street naming and numbering policy which will ban any potentially rude sounding names.

Any names described as being “capable of misinterpretation” like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street and Corfe Close (4 Corfe Close), would be banned. No doubt other existing Lewes names like Juggs Road and Cockshut Road may well be rejected. Bah!

They’re even extending their naming policy to include “aesthetically unsuitable” names such as Gaswork Road, Tip House and Coalpit Lane . . .

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IMMIGRATION OFFICIALS who raided a Chinese restaurant in Llandudno, North Wales, found a chef living in its freezer . . .

The crack down on illegal immigration saw officers raiding two restaurants in the area. In one o them they found the chef, who had overstayed his visa, living inside the freezer. The man, who ha not been named, had removed the freezer door and put a bed inside the room. Alongside which were found his suitcase, passport and visa documents.

He was subsequently arrested, sent to London and deported back to China within 72 hours. His employer was served with a Notice of Potential Liability and could face a £10,000 fine.

According to a senior immigration official, it’s not unusual to find people hiding out in unusual places. Examples of which included five people found living in a bathroom and another three living in a kitchen larder, surrounded by meat and vegetables.

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A BAGPIPING busker was arrested after distressing shoppers in Bridport, Dorset . . .

Shaun Cartwright, 38, had apparently being playing his pipes outside Superdrug for an hour, when he was told his piping had annoyed shoppers. The fact that he had already earned £50 had made it all the more surprising.

Cartwright had been playing the bagpipes for over 25 years and it was the first time he had been handcuffed and taken to the police station on account of doing so.

He was subsequently released after an hour and was told the case was not being persued, when answering his bail some five days later.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of curious finds in the situations vacant section of assorted publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

VACANT MANAGER wanted, must have dementia certificate, all enquiries treat with the strictest confidence.

WIDOWER WITH school-age children requires person to assume general house keeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

CARPET MANAGER wanted for new store to supervise half cut carpets - must have suitable experience.

3 YEAR-OLD TEACHER needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

CHAIR REQUIRED 3 - 3.5 days per week for Calderdale and Huddersfield NHS Foundation Trust. Must be solid and reliable.

PREPARER OF FOOD wanted. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

PACKAGED SALES person wanted.

GIRL WANTED to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

MOTHER’S HELPER required - peasant working conditions.

FIFTY GIRLS wanted for stripping machine operators in factory.

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