The Gusty Gusset

MPs HAVE demanded a psychiatric evaluation of a city mayor following a series of eccentric initiatives . . .

Leonid Chernovetsky, mayor of Kiev recently issued a call for all OAPs to be tempted into state care by offering them a diet of caviar and pineapple.

Some of his other bizarre decrees include the approval of a giant sculpture of a flying cow and a public monument to street lights. The Ukrainian parliament has subsequently called for medical tests over fears surrounding his mental state.

The mayor himself has refused to comment and has gone away on holiday instead. Kiev residents however demanded that he return home an undergo the evaluation immediately.

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A PASSENGER, for reasons that probably didn’t even make sense to even him at the time, felt the need to throw himself out of a moving aircraft . . .

The 26-year-old passenger was travelling on American Airlines flight 1343 at the time, and according to the attendants and other passengers the flight had been uneventful prior to that point. It was only after they had landed at Dallas Fort Worth Airport in Texas, that the unnamed man decided to dispatch himself onto the tarmac.

By all accounts he wasn’t actually injured in the incident however he was subsequently placed in police custody and was undergoing a psychological evaluation.

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A DESPERATE German housewife has been reported for wasting police time after dialling 999 more than 100 in the hope of finding a new husband . . .

Divorcee Angela Stahl, 44, made endless calls to the police in a bid to find a new partner - claiming she couldn’t afford dating agencies.

Officers warned her on a number of occasions that she was using the emergency services line inappropriately and that she could face serious consequences, but she still continued. Obviously the the concept of not having a boyfriend wasn’t actually an emergency.

Two officers finally visited her home in Berlin and confiscated the battery from her mobile phone.

Stahl apparently claimed that she had been desperate and had not known where else to turn - what?!

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A FATHER stabbed his 19-year-old son in the backside for refusing to take his hat off in church . . .

Both father and son were attending a church service in Baltimore, Maryland when the argument started.

After arguing about the hat and the so still refusing to remove it, the father went to his car for a knife which he then proceeded to stab his son in the left buttock with.

The father immediately fled the scene and hasn’t been seen since, a warrant has subsequently been issued for his arrest.

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A SHORT-SIGHTED Austrian farmer set his house on fire after mistaking his fridge for the fireplace . . .

Eighty-seven-year-old Adolf Maier from Angerberg in Tyrol accidentally left the door of his fridge open. He then started to feel cold and decided to light a fire in the fireplace next to the fridge.

Maier thought he’d placed firelighters and wood in the fireplace as usual, but it wasn’t until there was a lot of smoke and the room didn’t seem to be getting any warmer that he wondered why.

He promised the firefighters that came to deal with the blaze that he would get some better glasses.

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A BARNSLEY man had an electronic tag fitted to his detachable false leg . . .

Twenty-nine-year-old Bret Ravenhill was fitted with a tag to ensure he observed a strict curfew after he had been convicted of cannabis possession. He was given probation and barred from going out at night for 3 months.

Only the Group 4 security worker fitted the device to his left leg, failing to notice that it was in fact made of metal and detachable.

Ravenhill, who lost his leg following a motorbike accident 6 years ago didn’t mention anything to the security worker at the time, since he couldn’t believe that anyone would be so stupid.

The fact that several different security workers checked his tag every 4 weeks and also failed to notice that it was attached to a false leg, also beggared belief.

Tempting as it no doubt was just to remove the leg and go living it up on an evening, Ravenhill never actually broke his curfew.

A spokesman for Group 4 somewhat unhelpfully claimed the incident had happened because a procedure had not been followed . . .

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AN AMERICAN man had his gun confiscated after he accidentally shot a toilet . . .

The gun fell out of the holster whilst the 26-year-old was hitching up his pants in a restaurant toilet. It hit the floor and went off, with the bullet shattering the bowl and sending sharp shards of porcelain into his arm.

Thankfully no one was seriously hurt in the incident although a woman in a neighbouring stall complained of chest pains.

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A SWISS ART student pretended to be mad in order to be sent to a psychiatric hospital . . . just for her final degree show . . .

Thirty-five-year-old Anna Odell sufficiently convinced police that she was psychotic after faking a suicide attempt by jumping off a bridge in Stockholm.

It took eight members of staff to restrain her at the nearby St Goran’s hospital, where she kicked, screamed and spat in nurse’s faces, before she was finally sedated.

She was discharged the following day by furious doctors after she revealed the whole thing had just been a stunt for her art show. Police are subsequently investigating complaints of assault, violence and wasting police time.

The chief physician at St Goran’s suggested that both Odell and the head of her college should “cut their hair and get real jobs.”

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A MICHIGAN man in search of his missing dog, drove his car onto a frozen river and then watched in horror as the heat from the exhaust pipe melted the ice beneath it . . .

Fortunately he’d also managed to lock himself out of the vehicle so thankfully wasn’t also plunged to the icy cold depths of the Black River in St Clair County.

The car has subsequently been recovered and is being repaired, however it’s unclear as to why exactly he drove onto the river in the first place, or indeed whether the missing dog has in fact been located.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of oddball items for sale . . .

BAG OF assorted boys. Many different shapes, sizes and colours. All good quality - no rubbish stuff.

ROCKING FINGER as new, hardly used.

HALF CAN of paint, unsure of colour - think is cacky.

SCREW FOR sale. Open to offers.

USED BODY bits - shop clearance.

PINK GIRLS 3 months old and available now.

BROKEN TABLE - have tried fixing it with cellotape but failed. Be of use to someone who can fix it better than me.

BOX OF used string. Assorted lengths. Some has been nibbled by rats.

WOBBLING BOTTOM in beige.

TABLE WITH only a few legs - needs good home.

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