The Gusty Gusset

A RUSSIAN man who downed three bottles of vodka and then decided to leap off a fifth floor balcony, survived the ordeal - twice . . .

When questioned as to why he’d thrown himself of the balcony for a second time, Alexei Roskov said that it was because he couldn’t cope with his wife nagging him about his first fall.

His wife Yekaterina, watched in horror as her drunken husband opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, an proceeded to throw himself out.

Mr Roskov, 22, managed to stagger all the way back upstairs with barely a scratch after the first 50ft fall. Only when his horrified wife called for an ambulance and began to scold him for being, well completely stupid, he threw himself out of the window again.

Paramedics treat him for minor cuts and bruises and he’s subsequently decided to give up drinking.

What’s not entirely clear is why he jumped in the first place . . .

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A THIEF used Google earth to steal £100,000 of lead from the roofs of buildings . . .

The builder from Sutton used the Google earth application, which offers highly detailed aerial images of places across the world, to locate miscellaneous listed buildings, churches, schools and museums, that could be ransacked for lead.

He made £44,500 by selling approximately 44.6 tonnes of lead during his 6 month crime spree. He was sentenced to 8 months in jail, suspended for a couple of years, after he confessed to being involved in as many as 30 similar offences.

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A MAN WAS stabbed for causing a smell in a motel room . . .

Five men from the Houston area of Texas, were sharing a motel room in Waco. Two of them were inside the room eating at the time of the incident, when one had what can only be described as a problem with flatulence. Sadly the other man was so offending about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, before stabbing him in the chest.

The stabbing victim was subsequently taken to hospital where he was treated for non-life threatening injuries. His attacker was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

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A MAN has survived for more than two days trapped under his sofa by sipping from a bottle of whisky . . .

Joe Galliott, 65, fell against the sofa during a power cut at his home in Somerset, England. Unfortunately the sofa tipped over onto him and he was unable to free himself because of a bad back.

He was trapped by the sofa for 60 hours - with only a bottle of whisky, that just happened to roll within reach, keeping him company. He was only discovered after a neighbour became concerned after not seeing him for a couple of days.

Mr Galliott spent five days in hospital recovering form his ordeal. Although he now plans to keep a bottle of whisky beside the sofa, just in case.

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LOUISIANA POLICE arrested a man after he was seen on his hands and knees, eating mud and growling like a dog . . .

The 32-year-old Texan was arrested after construction workers saw him behaving like a dog. A woman who was accompanying him at the time also claimed he had been walking around eating dog food.

Officers found a bottle of PCP, half a pound of marijuana and a quarter of an ounce of crack in the man’s possession. He now faces charges of possessing drugs with the intent to distribute. Although given he was behaving like a dog it’s entirely possible he’d been sampling the wares himself . . .

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A COUNCIL has been slammed for spending £6,000 on sat navs for its lawnmowers . . .

Officials at Leicestershire County Council made the decision to fit the devices to its fleet of 14 sit-on mowers. As for the reason behind the decision? Well, they claimed that the route-finding devices would help combat “unprecedented amount of growth” on verges and playing fields.

In other words they claim the sat navs will help the contractors locate the next patch of unmown grass . . .

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GERMAN POLICE rescued a woman driver from a roundabout after fellow motorists said she’d done at least 50 circuits . . .

They used two patrol cars to finally guide her off at one of the exits after motorists called them to say she just kept going round and round the roundabout in Braunschweig.

When questioned, Andrea Zimmer, 62, claimed she had been breaking in her new car to see how it coped in traffic, but couldn’t seem to get to one of the exits. She did however seem pretty happy with the car and its handling and in particular its ability to take roundabouts.

While officers appreciated the need for people to familiarise themselves with a new car by repeating manoeuvres, a busy roundabout was not the place to practise.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . a selection of real life personal ads as found in an assortment of publications. Contact details have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent . . .

OVER AGE under achiever, drinker, smoker, seeking similar.

IF I offered you the world just what exactly would you do for me?

MY LAST husband was a loser. If you’re not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria.

I’M OVERWEIGHT and shaped like a pumpkin and need someone to dress my bed sores.

WRITING THIS advert has given the biggest sense of accomplishment I’ve felt since successfully ironing my trousers.

I’D LIKE to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks.

BLONDE, BLUE, gorgeous, seeks six figures and a Lexus. Age unimportant. No baldies.

SWM SEEKS 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me.

THREE TOED mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let’s make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.

I LIKE eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

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