The Gusty Gusset

EVER FOUND yourself lost, confused or even bemused in the supermarket? Well, don’t panic - help is on its way . . . well, for those that don’t have internet access or prefer the actual misery of grocery shopping . . .

Scientists are working on a device which works like a sat nav to assist elderly shoppers that are baffled by changing layouts. Although in all fairness it’s not just the elderly that struggle to find stuff in the supermarket . . . but then they will insist on placing custard amongst the cat food and such like. And of course if folks didn’t get lost in the supermarket then well, they’d have to find something else to write songs about . . .

The sat nav for shoppers is part of government funded research at Newcastle, Aberdeen and Nottingham universities - into new ways of using digital technology to help the elderly and disabled.

Other ideas include a hi-tech kitchen featuring hidden sensors, projectors and electronics to assist Alzheimer’s patients live independently.

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YOU REALLY couldn’t make it up . . . another selection of oddball items for sale . . .

FOR SALE: One pair hardly used dentures, only 2 teeth ,issing. $100 ono.

FULL SIZE mattress - Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell $40.

USED TOILET paper for sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.

TURKEY FOR SALE. Partially eaten. Only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23 obo.

PONY FOR SALE - looks like small horse.

FOR SALE small bag of children. Very heavy can deliver.

FOR SALE Bonsai tree - very large. £80.

FOR SALE: Holiday photos: Choice of ski, sun or city break. Ideal for anecdote or alibi.

HITACHI WASHING machine DX250, under warranty until kill kill kill, kill them all February 2004, in perfect working order. £180 ono.

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FANCY YOUR very own Petri Dish sized cuddly germs? They’re like the original Giant Microbes only well, smaller . . . oh and come complete with their very own home sorry, germ self-containment unit . . .

Choose from 16 mini microbes ranging from Toxic Mold to an assortment of Poxes! Each one 6″ Petri Dish is filled with 3 mini Plush Microbes! Perfect for the juggling virologist - or just about anyone who enjoys a bit of a laugh for that matter!

So, if you fancy your very own cuddly, self-contained microbes then check out the following link:

Mini Microbes

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A SPARROW with a penchant for a crafty fag is being blamed for setting fire to a Lincolnshire shop and causing £250,000 worth of damage.

The owner was initially at a loss as to what caused the blaze, but insurance investigators have since discovered 35 cigarette ends in the roof.

They concluded that a sparrow must have picked them up to feather it’s nest - one of which must have been still smouldering and caused the blaze.

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EVER THOUGHT life would be marginally more interesting if you could add your own sound effects to it? Well, now you can with your very own Personal Soundtrack Shirt!

A wearable audio solution to your daily FX needs that comes with its very own built in sounds and even allows you to even add your own. Or even just plug in your MP3 player for that matter. It even comes complete with its very own wired pocket-sized remote control - how retro is that?

So, if the idea of accentuating your day with appropriate/inappropriate sounds then check out:

Personal Soundtrack

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A MAN is suing Burger King for failing to remove the pickles from a burger he bought . . . two years ago . . .

Dairus Dugger is currently seeking the equivalent of £65,000 in damages after alleging the restaurant in James City County, West Virginia, failed to heed his “specific request for the omission of onions, pickles and tomatoes.”

Dugger claims he suffered a “severe allergic reaction” after biting into the burger before discovering it contained the offending garnishes. The allergic reaction kept him off work and resulted in large medical bills.

Dugger now believes that Burger King’s error was “tantamount to negligence.”

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LOOKING FOR a not-so-cuddly toy for a crazy cuddly toy collector or a zombie freak for that matter? Or even for a small child that has a penchant for removing limbs from their teddies? Well, sounds like the Dismember-Me Plush Zombie is just what you’re looking for . . . providing they are in fact over 3 years old of course

Well, look no further - now you can cuddle up with the un-dead . . . although there’s a word that’s coming to mind, but in all fairness it’s probably best not even to go there . . . :-S

Then check out the following link:

Dismember Me plush toy

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POLICE IN Des Moines, Idaho, are hunting a burglar who urinated on a sack of potatoes, but fled the crime scene empty-handed . . .

Officers seemed baffled how the intruder managed to get into Roger Massey’s apartment in the first place, since the door was locked and there was no sign of forced entry.

The fact that he also urinated in the bath, kitchen sink as well as on a sack of potatoes didn’t seem to overly concern them . . .

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